Thinking of Him
by katzsoa
Summary: Mallymkun begins to wonder if her affections for a certain Hatter are worth her efforts, and Tarrant doesn't realize what he had until it's gone. My first attempt at a "song-fic". The songs are from the musical "Curtains". Three-shot.
1. Thinking of Him

**A.N.: My first attempt at a "song-fic"… Having the characters randomly burst into song isn't my usual approach, but I'm giving it a try. The songs used in this fic are all from the musical **_**Curtains**_**. The titles are the titles of the chapters. There will be only three chapters. I hope you enjoy…and that you review, of course. :)**

The atmosphere at the March Hare's tea table was always a merry one, full of friendly madness, flying teacups, and smiles. But today, Mallymkun was having a difficult time joining in, or even smiling for that matter. She wasn't sure what was wrong. It wasn't the food, which was delicious as always. It wasn't the jokes and the chatter, which were happy and engaging even though the only guests were herself, Tarrant, and Thackery. No, whatever it was that was getting her down was currently eluding her grasp.

The dormouse glanced up from her tiny teacup, looking down the table at the Hatter. She wasn't listening to what he was saying to her and the Hare; she was just looking at him. He looked happy, happier than she had ever seen him during the Red Queen's reign. The thought that he was happy was a relatively constant reassurance in her mind. His depressed state before Gribling Day and Alice's return—_she thought of that time as the Lonely Years, if she thought about it at all. It usually stayed in the back part of her head, the place where she put concepts that were too troubling to think about in a normal day._—that had been almost too much for the young dormouse to bear. But now the Jabberwocky was slain, and the Red Queen overthrown, and he was once again happy, and they now had merry tea parties at the March Hare's table.

Oh, dear, now she was thinking about the Lonely Years, and that wasn't helping her mood at all. She picked up a scone and took a bite out of it, trying to use the flavor to bring her thoughts back to the here and now, but all it did was make her think of the extreme means she'd had to take to keep the table stocked during the Lonely Years, when the Hatter had made nearly no effort to feed himself at all. _Theft. _The word was heavy in her head. No one had had anything to spare in those days, and so she had taken. She had left the relative safety of the tea table, where she could hide behind madness, and crossed the paths of Red Knight patrols in her searches.

And procuring food wasn't the only thing she'd done! She'd watched the cardsmen to make sure that they weren't coming near the table on their patrols. Some of her acts had been smaller, but just as vital: talking to Tarrant, being friendly and encouraging when there was barely a reason to be so. Making his fights her fights, protecting him, speaking out on his behalf to other members of the Underland Resistance… Telling him when the current situation was bad, so that he wouldn't get his hopes up—_warning him that it may be the wrong Alice, for one thing_. Staying by his side when they faced the Red Knights or the Red Queen herself, and her execution block… Doing any favor he asked of her, ever, even when she didn't want to, even when it meant leaving him alone with Alice the day after Gribling, the day he was captured…

_And why,_ she suddenly thought furiously, _why, after all I've done for him, is he still just sitting here?_

That thought surprised her, and she set down the scone and made her way down to the ground without really knowing what she was doing. The Hare and Hatter didn't seem to notice, but she didn't expect them to. She wandered away from the tea table and into the trees of the Tulgey Woods, not heading anywhere in particular, with only herself for company as she tried to sort out the thoughts that were running through her head.

"He's still just sitting there," she said aloud. "He's still just saying his silly rhymes, still having his happy little tea parties.

"And there's never been a thank you," Mallymkun realized. "Never any acknowledgement that I've done anything, that the war and the…the Lonely Years happened at all. Nothing. Nothing at all…"

The dormouse paused in her walking and frowned.

"Not that I've wanted it," she said. "I'm glad to stand by him. I've always been so. It's good for me to do what's good for him. It's good to…it's good…isn't it?"

Mallymkun sighed and sat, leaning against a tree. She sat there for a while, and her thoughts slowly turned into song.

"_Thinking of him..." _she sang._ "Thinking of him… Sometimes it seems I spend every moment of my waking day thinking of him… Making him laugh, sometimes. Making him strong, sometimes. Making him feel some place in the light is his…Telling him just how special he is…"_

Suddenly, she realized that she wasn't alone. The Cheshire Cat had appeared on a tree branch above her mid-verse, and was now gazing down at her with those eerie, turquoise eyes. Mallymkun stopped singing and jumped to her feet, startled by his unexpected arrival and conflicted emotionally by what he'd just heard her begin to confess.

"Go on," the Cat softly said. "Let it all out."

Mallymkun hesitated, but the words were aching to be sung.

"_Thinking of him…" _she sang again. "_Thinking of him… Telling the truth, when no one is willing to tell him the truth…_

"_Fighting for him!" _she exclaimed, the words and feelings coming out more forcefully. _"Living for him! Thinking it over, that's what I think I do! Well, isn't it time...?"_

She paused, almost afraid of what she realized she was about to say next.

"…_isn't it high time…I was thinking of…me…too?"_

She glanced away from Chessur's gaze, but then turned back to him.

"Isn't it?" she asked in a hushed voice. "I mean…when was the last time anyone did anything for Mallymkun? When was the last time that _I _did something for _me_?

"Chessur," she said, almost pleading. "Is it wrong to want something for yourself? Is that selfish? I give everything for Tarrant. It feels right to give everything for him…I care about him so much…I think I love him, Chessur. I _know _I love him." _He's heard everything else, so he might as well hear that, too._

"Tell me what to do, Chessur. Please."

The Cat didn't say anything for a while. When he finally answered, he sang.

"_Maybe it's time," _he sang. _"Maybe it's high time…you were thinking of you…"_

"_Thinking of me…"_ Mallymkun whispered.

"…_too…" _they finished the line together.

Mallymkun shook her head and clutched her hatpin for reassurance. Yes. It would be good to live for herself for a change. At least herself had the courtesy to be grateful for herself giving a care for her well-being!

Oh, goodness, thinking like that could make her really go mad.

She shook that thought away. She didn't want to think about madness, or anything that lead back to the Hatter. _I have to put him behind me. He doesn't care, not like he ought to. No, it's not that he ought to; it's that I want him to, but that's no reason for it to happen._

"You'd be able to find me easily enough," Mallymkun said to the Cat. "But, whatever you do, don't tell anyone where I've gone. Especially not…especially not _him. _Please, Chessur, promise me that you won't."

"I won't tell," said the Cat, which under normal circumstances wouldn't have been enough to make the Dormouse trust him. But today she didn't care as much.

With all of the determination she could muster, Mallymkun turned and marched off, deeper into the trees and far away from a man that she cared far too much about.


	2. I Miss the Music

**A.N.:** Well, here is part two! I edited the song just a bit this time, and omitted a verse that wasn't relevant (the one about writing a song with a partner, if you were wondering, I couldn't find the right way to re-write it so that it would apply). Hope you enjoy.

* * *

_On the fifth day, he had realized that she hadn't been there._

_On the eleventh day, he had been slightly worried. It wasn't like the Dormouse to stay out-of-touch for so long._

Now, it was the seventeenth day since the Hatter had last seen Mallymkun, and he had just realized that he'd been counting them.

He laughed at himself after he realized it. So it had been a while since the Dormouse had joined him and the Hare for tea. What concern was it of his? She could take care of herself, and, wherever she was, she was likely having a good time.

_A good time. _A good time, like he was having.

Or, at least, as he kept telling himself he was having.

Tarrant poured himself a fresh cup of tea. Thackery had just left…he couldn't quite remember why. To gather berries, perhaps? He hadn't been paying attention.

He filled the teacup and set the teapot back down onto the table. Then, he impulsively took the lid off of the pot and peered down into it. There was nothing inside but warm, brown tea. What had he expected, that Mallymkun would be in there, playing hide-and-seek?

The Hatter took a few sips of his tea, barely tasting it. His eyes wandered around the clearing, as they so often did, but they seemed to keep wandering back to one chair. Mally's chair, empty. It was still empty, no matter how many times he checked it. He wasn't used to it being empty. The Dormouse was a _constant._

_But she's not, not now…_

Suddenly, the tea tasted sour in his mouth. He put the cup down.

He looked up at the sky, trying to find funny shapes in the clouds. That usually amused him, but today he just saw uninteresting, white fluff. His gaze slowly moved back to the chair.

Tarrant shook his head. "What is _with _me today?" he wondered aloud, forcing himself to look away from the empty chair.

He felt so…melancholy. _What would cheer me up?_

_Mallymkun, _a sneaky part of his mind answered, but he purposefully ignored it.

He decided to sing. He was good at making up silly, nonsense songs. They were fun.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder where you're at…"

_Mallymkun likes that song._

He desperately tried to find something, anything to think about that didn't involve _her, _that wouldn't remind him that she wasn't there, that she _hadn't _been there and he didn't know where she was, that wouldn't make him feel so strangely alone and empty. But that ruled out everything at the tea table—he could see her in the teapots, on the chair, eating, singing, laughing, making _him _laugh… And he couldn't think about the past, because in the past she was always there, with her confidence and her attitude, her hand almost always on her hatpin, ready for anything… And then there were the moments, those few and far between moments, that she seemed to let down her guard, and her air was pure joy, or calm, and occasionally deep sorrow… She never did anything by halves, not Mally, whether it was actions or emotions…And in those rare moments, she'd sometimes look up at him with those dark brown eyes, they were absolutely stunning on her pure white face, now that he thought about it…

Tarrant leaned forward and placed his head in his hands. Why, oh, why had she left? He wanted her back. He wanted her back like he'd never wanted anything before.

"Good afternoon," said a voice, as its owner materialized in the chair at the opposite end of the table and helped himself to a cup of tea.

"What do you want, Chess?" the Hatter muttered, not looking up.

"Well, _someone's _in a touchy mood," said the Cat. When Tarrant didn't reply, he placed his teacup back on the table and watched the man thoughtfully.

"Have you seen Mallymkun recently?" Tarrant suddenly asked, looking up at the Cat.

Chessur shrugged. "Can't say that I have."

Tarrant shook his head, not knowing whether to believe him. While the Cheshire Cat wasn't one to lie outright, he was rather fond of half-truths.

"Does that mean that you haven't seen her, or that you're not going to tell me if you have?" he asked.

Chessur's ever-present grin diminished slightly, then widened again. "Yes," he said, not specifying to which part of the question he was answering.

Tarrant sighed. "I wish that I knew where she was," he said. "I wish…I wish that she was here and not there."

"Interesting," the Cat said nonchalantly. "Why should you want her here and not there?"

"Because then she wouldn't be gone!" the Hatter exclaimed, standing up. "I liked having her here, Chess. I really did."

"Did you?" said Chessur.

"Of course I did!" Tarrant said. "What's not to like? She's Mallymkun. She's practically a force of nature. She's flawed, and yet she's so incredibly perfect. And she's always been here, Chess, whenever it mattered, whenever I needed her, she was right here with me. Kind, wonderful, beautiful Mallymkun. Now she's gone, and I miss her!"

He stopped mid-rant, listening to what he'd just said. He'd never said anything like that about the Dormouse before, none of those praises or…admissions? Had he ever admitted to _himself _how much it meant to him that she was always there for him? Had he ever told himself before that she was, as he had just said, kind, wonderful, and beautiful?

"But is she really all that?" he wondered aloud. "Is she really? I got along just fine without her, before I met her… Now I'm back to being without her, and it's just the same as before, except that I have met her, and everything seems…it seems…empty. I can't do anything without thinking about her, and what she likes…"

He turned back to the Cat. "It's like a part of me is gone, Chess," he sighed. "It's like…like the symphony has lost its main instrument. Its soloist. Its star. There's no music without her. And I miss it, Chess, I miss… I miss…"

The Hatter closed his eyes and sang.

"_I miss the music, I miss the song. Since she's not with me, it comes out wrong. It doesn't matter how hard I try…I've lost the music…I don't know why…"_

He reopened his eyes, which were deep green and very, very sad, and stared right at Chessur as he continued, who was staring back without comment.

"_You may have known," _he sang. _"Before I met her, I walked alone… But if you asked me what I prefer, I'd say the music I made with her…"_

Tarrant shook his head.

"I never thought that I'd want someone…that I'd _need _someone this badly," he whispered. "Now she's gone again, and I've tried to be like I was before, but I just…"

He shook his head again.

"_I can't pretend," _he sang. _"I miss the music, I miss my friend. No need to ask me what I prefer… I choose the music I made with her…I loved the music I made with her…"_

The Hatter sagged back into his chair.

"She's left me, hasn't she," he said. It was more a statement than a question, but Chessur nodded slowly in response anyway.

"If only I had told her," Tarrant moaned. "If only she'd seen… No, if only _I _had seen what she meant to me. I never even confessed my feelings to myself… She's the world to me, and I never felt the need to give her a sign that I needed her, that I appreciated her presence…"

His eyes widened. "I've taken her for _granted, _is what I've done! Oh, good Lord, is that why she left? I'm such a… such a…"

He didn't have the spirit to find a negative enough word to describe himself with.

"What do I do now, Chess?" he pleaded.

The Cat was silent for a while. Gradually, his grin broadened.


	3. Reprise

Mallymkun's hatpin stabbed and slashed at the tree trunk in front of her, her thoughts punctuated by each slice. They mostly seemed to be disconnected words nowadays, anyway.

_Twenty—Stupid—Conceited—Twenty—Freedom—Finally—Twenty—Twenty—Lonely—Independent—Back—Never—Free—Twenty—Twenty—Twenty—Twenty—_

She paused and blinked at the mutilated bark. If that tree had been a creature of flesh her height, then it would be lying in a pool of its own blood. The dormouse found that thought oddly satisfying. It made her feel powerful. "Powerful" was something she hadn't felt much of lately. But now, now that she was running free, with no one—_no one!_—influencing her decisions at all, she felt in more control than she had ever been.

Maybe that was why she'd come here, to this forest somewhere between Iplam and Witzend, near where she'd lived before the Red Queen had showed up and changed everything, before she had met the Hatter…

_The Hatter. _Mallymkun snarled and shoved her hatpin into the tree as hard as she could, imagining that with it she pierced the bond he'd wrapped around her, keeping her there, working for _him _for all of those years…

_But did he even realize that he had trapped her? Or was he too oblivious even for that?_

The Dormouse sighed and tugged at the hatpin, but it was stuck firmly in the bark. She pulled harder, putting all of her weight on it, but it stayed stubbornly wedged in the tree.

"Stupid hatpin!" she shouted at it. "Stupid hat—Stupid hat_ter!_ Stupid, manipulative Hatter! You had me at your beck and call, you did, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for you. But I see you now. You're conceited and vengeful, and so obsessed with your little games, and heartless, and cowardly, and such a _jerk, _and so utterly funny and handsome and sweet, and your eyes…oh, your eyes…!"

And she sagged to her knees and began to cry, because she could see his eyes in front of her, in all of their colors… It was his eyes that had caught her attention first, so vibrant and expressive…it was frightening to look at them when he was angry, and heart-wrenching to look at them when he was sad, and when he was happy, truly happy, they would light up in such a way that the dormouse would give anything, _anything, _to keep him that happy…

It was so hard to be angry with him. She knew that, given the circumstances, leaving had been the best thing to do, but even now, with this distance between them, and being gone for twenty days—she knew that it had been twenty days, her mind subconsciously keeping track against her will—she also knew that she loved him still. But what could she do? He had hurt her heart, and she had left. It was time to move on. She wiped her face on her sleeve and studied her hatpin more calmly. _Maybe if I wiggled it…_

Someone's footsteps sounded from very near. Mallymkun cursed softly. In her distress she hadn't heard whoever-it-was approach, and her hatpin was still stuck, and now it was too late to disappear into the trees because the tall figure was coming into view and she was momentarily frozen by surprise and indecision.

"Mally!" Tarrant exclaimed as he saw her.

The Dormouse gaped. _What's he doing…How did he find…Chessur, you slurking cat!_

She regained control of her legs and turned to flee, but her hesitation had cost her dearly. The Hatter placed a foot in her way.

"No, wait—!"

She didn't want to hear, didn't want to talk to him anymore. She tried to run around his boot, but he bent down and grabbed her around her torso, his fingers trapping her arms to her sides.

"Unhand me!" she snapped, her voice coming out squeakier than she would have liked.

"No. Not until you listen."

"Chessur told you where I was, didn't he!" Mallymkun challenged. "I'll _kill _that cat…!"

"You've got to hear me out," Tarrant begged. "Please, Mally, I want to talk."

"Oh, so _now _you want to talk?" the Dormouse sneered. "Great, it's all right when _you _want something, never mind what _I _want!"

She struggled against his fingers, but they were shut tight. His grip didn't hurt, but it was firm.

"Well, fine, then! What _do _you want, Mally?"

The Hatter's eyes wavered near yellow, but pulled back to green as she turned her head from his face. She didn't want to see his eyes. Right now, she needed to hate him.

"I want you to put me down," she said. "And I want you to go away and stay out of my life."

Part of her hoped that her words were hurting him. Another part of her was screaming at her for her unkindness. _This is Tarrant! How can you be so cruel? … I have to! I can't be taken in to be hurt all over again!_

"I'll do that," he said. "_After _you calm down, stop struggling, and listen to what I have to say."

It sounded like he was barely keeping his emotions in check. Mallymkun tried to calm herself, mainly by thinking about her list of the ten most painful places to stick a hatpin into a Cheshire Cat. An angry Hatter was a danger to face unarmed and helpless.

There was a long silence, in which he searched for the right way to begin and she stared at him challengingly.

"I've been a fool!" Tarrant exclaimed suddenly. "I've been self-centered and abusive and blind, blinded first by revenge against the Red Queen and then by my own desires. It was easy to just live without care, easy to accept you as just a part of life. But you're more than that, Mally. You're so much more than that. You're brave and smart, and you never give up, and you place everyone else's needs before your own, and on top of all that, you're beautiful. You really are. Some people wouldn't see it. They'd see a mouse, just a mouse, but I see so much more, Mally. I truly do."

Mallymkun glanced up at him. There was so much honesty in his face, so easily seen in his bright green eyes as they met with hers…

"Those eyes," the Hatter murmured. "Simply dazzling, Mally. _You're _simply dazzling. You're such a treasure, and I handled you horribly…"

He sighed. "What was I thinking when I let you slip away? …oh, yes…I was _thinking of me,"_ he sang. _"Only of me…What was I thinking, spending each moment of each waking day thinking of me? Shutting you out…"_

"_Sometimes," _Mally added, a part of her uncomfortable with how he was attacking himself.

Tarrant shook his head. _"Making you wait," _he insisted.

"_S-Sometimes…" _It was hard to deny what she herself had felt so strongly.

"_Too self-involved to say how I do need you…"_

…_He needs me? _The Dormouse barely dared to think the words. _He needs me…!_

"_But why pretend?" _Tarrant continued. _"I missed the music, I missed my friend. No need to wonder what I would do, I choose the music I make with you…I love the music I make with you…"_

And then, as she was staring up at him with tears resurfacing in her eyes, he brought her up to his mouth and kissed her.

Mallymkun gasped, or she would have gasped if she could breathe, which she couldn't because the Hatter's lips were covering her mouth and nose. All of a sudden, a discarded dream was unfolding again before her, and everything felt so complete and perfect… She was so overcome by shock and a thousand other emotions that the one that pushed its way to the front was irrational fear, and she struggled against his grip again.

He felt her resistance, and pulled away, taking her reaction horribly wrong.

"Mally, I'm so sorry, that was so terribly wrong of me to take you like that, I mean you left and I've treated you so poorly that you wouldn't want me anyway so I shouldn't have kissed you and it's odd to think about, a man and a mouse together, how could that work, knowing me I would get it all wrong, I've already gotten it all wrong—!"

"Tarrant!" Mallymkun cut off his rambling. His grip had slackened, and she raised her hand and wrapped her fingers around one of his.

"Do you think," she said slowly. "That I would have stuck around as long as I did if I _didn't _think that, somehow, we could make it work?"

"I—I don't want to hurt you," the Hatter replied.

"I was just a tad…overwhelmed," Mallymkun explained. "You couldn't hurt me."

"Yes, I could," Tarrant corrected. "I already have."

She couldn't deny that he had, then mentally and now nearly physically, but she wasn't sure how much it mattered anymore.

"Tarrant, I love you," the Dormouse said. "I _love _you!"

"And I love you!"

"You see," Mallymkun smiled slightly. "If you love me too, then I can't be heartbroken. The pain's already going away."

"Tell me what I need to do to make it go away completely," said the Hatter.

Mallymkun's smile widened. "…You could kiss me again," she said. "Just a bit more gentle this time."

Tarrant's face brightened and he drew her close again and lightly pressed his lips to her forehead. Mallymkun sighed and leaned into his affections this time, placing her hands on his chin.

"Is that better?" the Hatter whispered, his lips brushing against her fur as he spoke.

"Right now, I don't think things could get any better than they are right now," the dormouse replied. "But I wouldn't mind being proven wrong."

Soft chuckling drew both of their attentions to a nearby tree, where Chessur was sitting, watching.

"How sweet," said the Cat. "You can thank me later."

Mallymkun shook her head. "You're unbelievable, Chess."

The Cat grinned. "By the way, it's later, Mally," he said.

"Not yet, it isn't," Tarrant corrected. "There's going to be a lot of later, with the two of us together. Days and days of it."

Chessur winked and evaporated.

"Let's go home, Tarrant," Mallymkun said, placing a kiss on his chin.

"Yes, let's," the Hatter agreed, placing her on the brim of his hat and turning back east, towards the Tulgey Woods, the tea table, and his house—_their _house, now, and hopefully for a very long time.


End file.
